Joke Thread

[ANDREW 30 0]

Bloke goes to see local nurse with a severe rash on his balls.

...she takes a look at em & says "your gonna have to stop w&nking"

.....he says.."OOhh god why??"

...she says...."cos i'm trying to examine you!!!!".

Edited February 8, 2011 by ANDREW 30

[Swompy 0]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub.

 

The landlord says, "I can't let you in without a Thai."

[dragon green 5]

Went to a fancy dress party last Saturday,Went as a loaf of bread !

 

Birds were all over me !

[boost monkey 0]

My car?

[daavid44 0]

how do you pull a fat bird?

 

 

 

 

 

 

with a tractor!

[Swompy 0]

I just put 4 stella on the counter and asked for 20 fags.

I asked, "Can I pay with my card?"

She said, "Sure, what card have you got?"

I said, "The 2 of clubs."

[dragon green 5]

Followed a bloke on a tractor,he was shouting the end of the world is upon us !

 

It was Farmer Geddon

[ziderapple 0]

What do you call a man who lives in an envelope?

Bill.

 

What does a clock do when it's hungry?

Goes back 4 seconds

 

Why did the motorcycle take a break?

Because it was "TWO TIRED"

 

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

[yacobwood 0]

Where do you find a duck with no legs?

Where you left it

 

Whats white and cant climb trees?

A fridge

 

What do you do if you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say sorry.

[corrado_sunderland 0]

what does michael barrymore do when he's finished with his fags?

 

chucks them in the pool :)

[Alex_G60_Fanatic 0]

My dog Minton ate a shuttle cock... Bad Minton

[Swompy 0]

It's a well known fact. If you stand on the Great Wall of China...

 

You can actually see the moon.

 

 

I got caught stealing full stops.

 

I'm looking at a lengthy sentence

[Swompy 0]

Who named Trojan condoms?

 

The Trojan horse entered through the city gates, broke open and loads of little guys came out and f***ed everyone's day up.

 

Doesn't fill me with confidence

[corrado_sunderland 0]

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

 

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency expert out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

 

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

 

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same efficiency expert determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string to pull out my penis, go, and return to work. Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

 

Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

 

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

[BILLCOR 1]

Two parrots sitting on a perch

One says to the other

Do you smell fish

 

Down the pub last night there was a guy selling 8 legs of venison for £30

Is that to deer?

[BILLCOR 1]

Just booked a table for me and the wife on valentines day

She's gonna be furious

She hates snooker!

[ziderapple 0]

What do you call a video of pedestrians?

Footage.

 

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

 

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

 

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

 

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

 

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

 

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

 

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

 

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

 

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

 

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

 

Why did the baker rob the bank?

He needed the dough.

 

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

 

What does a proud computer call his little son?

A microchip off the old block

 

What did the tie say to the neck?

I think I'll just hang around.

[dragon green 5]

I entered the world erection championships !

 

Got knocked out in the semi's

[Wullie 1]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.

After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.

She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet,but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.

They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift,

and what if it's true...

No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband,he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off! ...

The woman went to bed happy,thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakenedby the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere,making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.

She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husbandand the frog reading cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied,

'If I can teach this frog to cook..........you're gone.'

[Swompy 0]

Today, my wife told me I am immature and need to grow up.

 

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house now.

 

 

 

I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."

 

Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."

 

She said, "Yes you are."

 

I said, "No I'm f**king not."

 

She said, "Can you tell the time?"

 

I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not f**king drunk."

[yacobwood 0]

The other day i saw four blokes carrying a coffin round the cemetery. 30 minutes later i saw them again going round in circles. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

[Swompy 0]

For f**k's sake, what a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentine's Day cards up.

 

The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to f**k her.

[CazzaVR 0]

Knock knock

Who's there?

I dunnup

I dunnup who?

Well you'd better get to the toilet quickly then!

[ANDREW 30 0]

A medical Professor was lecturing his 1st year students about "Involuntary Muscle Contraction".

To liven up the lesson he asked one of the female students, " For example, do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replies, " Probably having a pint with his mates".

[bristolbaron 11]

roses are red

violets are blue

ive got a knife

get in the van