dannyboy 0 Posted June 8, 2011 What do women and clouds have in common? As soon as they f**k off its going to be a brighter day! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Wullie 1 Posted June 11, 2011 I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up for christs sake, some of us have got homes to go to!' Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go! Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mimjed 0 Posted June 11, 2011 my xbox is white, i didnt have my credit card details stolen. my wii is white, i didnt have my credit card details stolen. my ps3 on the other hand..... Wayne Rooney has used Coleens pubic hair for his hair transplant, turns out the success rate is mucher higher when transplanted from one cnut to another. i got banned from mcdonalds this morning. the girl serving me said she could make it large for 30p. i told her that she already had and that she could finish me off for a quid. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dragon green 4 Posted June 26, 2011 They have a new dish in my local Indian, curried Pelican ! Wasn't bad, Big bill though ! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Swompy 0 Posted July 5, 2011 Typical Americans, making a National Holiday out of a Will Smith film. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Critical_Mass 10 Posted July 5, 2011 my xbox is white, i didnt have my credit card details stolen. my wii is white, i didnt have my credit card details stolen. my ps3 on the other hand..... Wayne Rooney has used Coleens pubic hair for his hair transplant, turns out the success rate is mucher higher when transplanted from one cnut to another. i got banned from mcdonalds this morning. the girl serving me said she could make it large for 30p. i told her that she already had and that she could finish me off for a quid. :lol: very good mate :D Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Wullie 1 Posted July 6, 2011 On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said 'English speaking Doctor' - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don't we have them in Britain?' Went around to a friend's house today. His wife was sat there with their new-born baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead. I was at a cash point yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jannersdave 10 Posted July 7, 2011 TRAFFIC CAMERA My wife was driving when she saw the flash of a traffic camera. She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding. Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail's pace. Two weeks later, she got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt. You can't fix stupid. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pat_McCrotch 0 Posted July 7, 2011 "If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 39 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket. "Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Corrado," I replied. "Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said. "My point exactly." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dragon green 4 Posted July 11, 2011 The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone. "Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week." Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ." Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK ?" Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans." Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested... All coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one: MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Wullie 1 Posted July 12, 2011 To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... And those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand. As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom , In beer there is freedom , In water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria Found in faeces. In other words , we are consuming 1 kilo of poo.. However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) Because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poo , Wine = Health. Therefore , it's better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and be full of ****. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dragon green 4 Posted July 19, 2011 Fact of life...After Monday & Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F !! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mimjed 0 Posted July 19, 2011 Shifting her knees slightly, my girlfriend rocked forwards the backwards. forwards then backwards, back and forth, back and forth. the more she did this the louder my groans grew. she finally screamed "I cant do it, you park the car you smug ba$tard"!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ziderapple 0 Posted July 24, 2011 Without a hint of irony, the Daily Mail today reported that the Oslo terrorist is an anti-Muslim extremist who posts lunatic right-wing nonsense on the Internet. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Sands 0 Posted July 25, 2011 Without a hint of irony, the Daily Mail today reported that the Oslo terrorist is an anti-Muslim extremist who posts lunatic right-wing nonsense on the Internet. :lol: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mimjed 0 Posted July 26, 2011 My son fell asleep at this house party we were having, i decided to shave his eyebrows off and draw a c.ock on his face. My wife went mental when she picked him up to breastfeed him. Amy winehouse met princess diana at the pearly gates, amy asked "why is your halo black?" Diana replied "you must still be out of it love, its a fooking steering wheel" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Marshall936 0 Posted July 26, 2011 The RSPCA are said to be saddened by the news that Amy Winehouse is dead. A spokesman said: 'We'll need to re-do the posters for neglected horses!' Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Jack Daniels? Jack Daniels comes alive when you add coke... Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouses funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under the Spoon. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Swompy 0 Posted July 26, 2011 The speed in which a woman says "Nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ziderapple 0 Posted July 27, 2011 Rupert Murdoch has said he is touched by some of the messages left on Amy's phone Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Swompy 0 Posted August 27, 2011 A lamb vindaloo is lying quietly in a stomach. All of sudden something cold and wet lands on top of it. "Hey! Who the **** are you?" says the vindaloo. "I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Dave just paid for me." A few minutes later another downpour arrives. "And who the **** are you?" says the vindaloo. "I'm a double vodka," says the newcomer. "Dave just got another round in." This goes on for a while until the tenth double vodka gushes in and says Dave just bought it. "You guys have made me curious," says the vindaloo. "I'm going to take a look at this Dave bloke myself." Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Swompy 0 Posted August 29, 2011 [h=6]Amy winehouse didnt die by drugs ! She was killed by a dyslexic taliban, he was meant to hit a army warehouse[/h] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dragon green 4 Posted August 30, 2011 An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dragon green 4 Posted September 11, 2011 Paddy and Mick talking in the pub. Paddy: "I've got to go to hospital tomorrow and get circumcised" Mick: "I was circumcised when I was just 3 days old" "Did it hurt?" "Are you kidding? I couldn't walk for 18 months!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mimjed 0 Posted September 11, 2011 I slept with a retard to lose my virginity......it was special! My wife cooked me dinner last night, i said "you can make this again" She gave me a little smile and replied "im glad you like it" Chuckling loudly i told her "no its $hit, get back in the kitchen and try again!" Adam is a right lucky ba$tard, couldnt have asked for a better excuse "lets try this hole now eve and see if that one makes a baby!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
robo22sri 10 Posted September 12, 2011 A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she Could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have A bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the Fire...... "Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.... After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman Filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised To see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to Her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said: "Next Monday, don't go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so You can see for yourself.." So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked: "Do you shave?" "No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?" "Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was Far from hairless. When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked: "Did you see it?" "Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours." "Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before." "I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
