QUEEN V 0 Posted September 22, 2011 Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions. Pickup Lines.... My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it! I'd look good on you. So do ya wanna see something really swell? I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock. You have nice legs. What time do they open? If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head? If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Swompy 0 Posted September 22, 2011 I fainted in the curry house when I heard REM had split up. That's me in the korma. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jim 2 Posted September 22, 2011 Pickup Lines.... My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it! I'd look good on you. So do ya wanna see something really swell? I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock. You have nice legs. What time do they open? If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head? If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. I'd expect to get a drink thrown over me if I was to try any of those lines on women in bars!! :) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
QUEEN V 0 Posted September 22, 2011 I'd expect to get a drink thrown over me if I was to try any of those lines on women in bars!! :) For Sure, but they might giggle if they have a sence of humor.... try it & let me know :) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bristolbaron 11 Posted September 22, 2011 For Sure, but they might giggle if they have a sence of humor.... try it & let me know :) my cock's just died.. can I bury it in you? can I tickle your belly button? from the inside? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Wullie 1 Posted September 22, 2011 Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions. Pickup Lines.... My face is leaving in 15 minutes...be on it! I'd look good on you. So do ya wanna see something really swell? I may not be Fred Flinstone, but I sure can make your bed rock. You have nice legs. What time do they open? If I flip this coin, what are the chances of me getting head? If I told you that you had a nice body, would you hold it against me? The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word. The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. I tried some of these Sent from A & E Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
QUEEN V 0 Posted September 25, 2011 Lying in bed with the missus,i looked into her eyes and said "your face reminds me of the lottery"." Because i'm worth millions to you"she said.. I replied "No,...i wish you'd f*cking rollover"........ Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mimjed 0 Posted September 25, 2011 My son turned round to me and said "dad im gay" I nearly fainted, turning to my other son i said " are you gay?" "yes dad, ive wanted to tell you for a long time" "for fu*ks sake, does anyone like fanny here?" "i do!" replied my daughter ---------- Post added at 09:20 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:18 PM ---------- All men like to think they are marrying nymphomaniacs. The problem is that after a few years the nympho leaves,but the fuc*ing maniac doesn't! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pot_g 10 Posted October 23, 2011 I was chatting up a pikey bird in the pub last night, when she asked if I'd like to go back to her place and have a good time. She wasn't kidding. I went on the waltzers, the dodgems, the ghost train. I even came home with a goldfish! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Big Adam 0 Posted October 24, 2011 Man walkes into a chippy with a salmon under his arm and says to the bloke behind the counter "do you sell fish cakes?" the bloke replies "sorry mate, we dont do them anymore!" The man with salmon under his arm sighs....."thats a shame, its his birthday today!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dragon green 5 Posted November 6, 2011 One day this man was driving for hours through the country side and needed to go to the toilet urgently. He sees an old store off the side of the road, pulls up and proceeds to the toilet. When he was done dumping his captains log, he looked around and noticed to his shock there was no toilet paper and a sign on the wall - "Sorry, there is no toilet paper, but if you wipe your arse with your index and middle fingers and stick them in this hole they will be licked clean." The man thought to himself that that was nasty and that he was not going to do that. So he sits for a further 20 minutes trying to figure out what to do, and eventually realizes that although its nasty, that he would do it. So he wipes his arse with his fingers and sticks them in the hole. Then a man on the other side slams two bricks onto the mans fingers so hard the unbelievable pain causes him to shove his fingers in his mouth. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
eddy.h 0 Posted November 6, 2011 Eight things girls should say to men 1.I'm bored let's shave my pussy.... 2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink? 3.That fart was great, please do another! 4. Of course i swallow, i love it! 5. No thats ok, you watch porn, i'll w*nk you after i've done the washing up... 6. Just for a change put it in my arse 7. How about you get that nice girlie from work to join in? 8. Marriage? no way! Sadly, carlsberg dont do these girlfriends-but thailand does!! ---------- Post added at 12:24 AM ---------- Previous post was at 12:09 AM ---------- So I'm standing at the bar and this little chinese guy is stood at the side of me. So i asked him do you know martial arts like kung fu & ju-jitsu.. He replied why the fcuk you ask me that is it because i'm chinese?! I said no it's because your drinking my fcuking pint you little cu*t!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dragon green 5 Posted November 27, 2011 One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing, " he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island . The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree. " "But, where did you get the tools? " "Oh, that was no problem, " replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware. " The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place, " she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs. " No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,"We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
robo22sri 10 Posted January 16, 2012 A Mexican, an Arab, and a Lancashire Lass are in the same bar.. When the Mexican finishes his beer he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.' The Arab, obviously impressed by this drinks non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.' The Lancashire Lass, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, 'In Lancashire,we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.' God Bless Lancashire !! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
robo22sri 10 Posted January 17, 2012 Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the sky presenter said " she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court" I just happened to glance at the wife........and thats when the fight started ! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
robo22sri 10 Posted April 3, 2012 (edited) dont want to be branned a rascist on here to by people for a joke! Edited April 3, 2012 by robo22sri Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Critical_Mass 10 Posted April 4, 2012 Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the sky presenter said " she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court" I just happened to glance at the wife........and thats when the fight started ! :lol: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
robo22sri 10 Posted May 15, 2012 A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?' 'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.' 'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'' 'I don't remember much after that' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dochy 0 Posted May 17, 2012 a man walks into a pet shop and asks the fella at the counter 'do you have any talking parrots?' 'sorry mate just sold the last one but i can sell u a talking centipede'he replies so the fella accepts and takes his new pet home. after putting his centipede into its new home and having a shower he hask the centipede 'headin down the pub for a pint,u comin?' after a long silence he thought to himself what a daftarse he was thinkin u got a talking centipede!! once more he asked the centipede to go down the pub to which heard a voice 'i heard you the first time,im just putting my f**kin shoes on!! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
corrado_sunderland 0 Posted May 20, 2012 I now build jet engines for airliners and fighter jets for a living,for the ones on here that know me. If you dont find that funny i dont know what is :lol: Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Wullie 1 Posted May 20, 2012 I now build jet engines for airliners and fighter jets for a living,for the ones on here that know me. If you dont find that funny i dont know what is :lol: I've just decided that walking is not so bad after all. Welcome back Sunderland Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
corrado_sunderland 0 Posted May 20, 2012 (edited) I've just decided that walking is not so bad after all. Welcome back Sunderland why thank you wullie,i hope the ants have been Holocausted once and for all now :lol: And if your really sick......doug stanhope everyone Edited May 20, 2012 by corrado_sunderland Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
