Joke Thread

[Johnny H 0]

I've got a great joke about herbs and fish, but this isn't the thyme or the place

[kevin_m 0]

A horse walks into a bar, the barman asks,

"why such a long face?"

the horse says,

"I've got Aids"

[BILLCOR 1]

Spotted this on Facebook :grin:

[Peebee 0]

I've seen that on a tshirt but it finished with C#+t lol

[Nuts 10]

I went to the doctors the other day, saw my neighbour in the waiting room and he asks me

"what are you here for?"

To which I reply

"I have a problem with my penis."

Embarrassed my neighbour quickly retreats to the opposite side of the room, the waiting room full of people all fall silent with equal shock.

 

Overhearing the receptionist comes over and says

 

"please don't tell people about personal matters like that, if anyone asks why don't you make something up so you don't create unnecessary embarrassment and uneasiness?"

 

Taking on board what she said I settled down to reading the paper.....

 

A few moments later in walks my cousin. " how do mate, what brings you here?" He asks me.

 

"I've got a problem with my knee." I reply.

"What's up with it?" My cousin asks.

"I can't pee from it."

[BILLCOR 1]

Just had my tea at Tescos' cafe. The waitress asked me if i wanted anything on my burger... I said "ok i'll have a fiver each way".

[GlosterOx 0]

Tesco's have decided to accept HMV gift Cards/Vouchers - The staff are confused as they thought it stood for "Horse Meat Vouchers".

 

Ian.

[VR-Sixy 0]

I've just seen Black Hawk Down in 3D. It was brilliant.

 

Who needs HMV or Blockbusters when you live in Vauxhall?

[Wullie 1]

Just heard fish fingers have been withdrawn from sale. Tests found traces of sea horse DNA.

[Grim1 1]

Much admiration for my friend, she's a blind prostitute.......

 

You gotta hand it to her

[Swompy 0]

I would just like to congratulate Whitney Huston, One year sober

[dragon green 5]

I was at a Star Wars convention in my Darth Vader costume. One particularly annoying geek was following me around everywhere, taking my photo.

 

 

 

So I pushed him away; Then he started pulling my cloak.

 

 

 

I pushed him away again; Then he tried to grab my lightsabre.

 

 

 

And that's when the Sith hit the fan!

[bristolbaron 11]

NSFW due to ramseys language!

 

[clumpy1 11]

That's quality baz :thumbleft: i am actually crying at the minute

[seanl82 23]

PMSL!!! :lol:

[corrado_sunderland 0]

:rofl: best one so far

[Wullie 1]

Hey Sunderland. Wondered where you'd been.

[corrado_sunderland 0]

Hey Sunderland. Wondered where you'd been.

 

Ive been lying low a while/pretending im still 21 and going out on student nights so ive been too ill to make it to the pc :lol: hows the wulliemeister then?

 

And while im here....

 

Q: What do toys and boobs have in common?*A: They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them!

[Wullie 1]

A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

 

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpic...k and off he goes.

...

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

 

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

 

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

 

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already".

[BILLCOR 1]

Spotted this on Facebook, unfortunatly you have to click on the image to take part..epic fail

Edited March 28, 2013 by BILLCOR

[red arrow 0]

Spotted this on Facebook, unfortunatly you have to click on the image to take part..epic fail

Couldnt see the thumbnail !LOL

[VR-Sixy 0]

Just been down the bookies to place a bet on The Grand National.

Got geat odds of 60/1 on the Findus Lasagne. :)

[BILLCOR 1]

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

The little replies.......oh

Lulu ran out of petrol so another dog is pushing her home

[bristolbaron 11]

subcool - I hope you're banned. This is the reason other forums end up locking 'joke' threads. Racism is not a joke.

[clumpy1 11]

subcool - I hope you're banned. This is the reason other forums end up locking 'joke' threads. Racism is not a joke.

Have to agree with the baron here not funny you are :censored: you certainly deserve to be banned.